


Something next to normal would be okay

by outphan



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Blood and Injury, Childhood Friends, Drunk Bucky Barnes, Drunk love confession, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Masturbation, Past Child Abuse, Pillow Fights, Platonic Cuddling, Probably there's more just forgot sorry, Steve/OC is very brief, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 22:47:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5983233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outphan/pseuds/outphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has Bucky. He has a flat with him. His life is almost perfect. Almost. Being in love with Bucky Barnes could mean the end of their friendship, so Steve decides to save their friendship, and he starts dating Luke. Things don't end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something next to normal would be okay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PretentiousShipTrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PretentiousShipTrash/gifts).



> Title is from Next to Normal, the song Maybe (Next to Normal).

Steve Rogers knows what he signed up for when he moved in with Bucky Barnes. A troubled kid, everyone said. But Steve saw the real Bucky, beneath all the façade, all the sarcasm. He saw, and still sees, a wonderful and kind-hearted person, who just happened had a messy childhood.

A new family moved to the flat across Steve’s when he was 10. He and his ma heard nothing, but arguing, mostly the father’s voice. Steve often woke up to doors slamming at 2 in the morning, when the dad got home, rather drunk. They had a kid, who ended up not only in Steve’s school, but most of his classes as well. Steve, being the best in his class or maybe it was because he was always alone, was selected to be Bucky Barnes’s guide for the first few weeks. So, during break, Steve walked up to Bucky.

“Hey!” he said, voice shaking. Bucky seemed so big and so intimidating.

“What?” Bucky didn’t even look at him.

“Mrs. Glass asked me to help you with anything you need.”

“I don’t need help.” Bucky’s tone indicated that his decision was final and he wanted Steve to leave. And Steve did.

A few days later, after school, Steve was walking home. He tried to hurry, but his bullies caught up. Steve was skinny and vulnerable back then; he had several ongoing health problems, but he was brave. He would’ve fought back even if it meant him getting beaten up severely.

“Hey, Rogers!” Steve heard Brock Rumlow’s voice. He kept on walking, didn’t want to anger his ma by getting blood on his new T-shirt. “I said, hey!” Brock was walking behind him, and grabbed Steve’s shoulder stopping him. He was twice the size of Steve; Brock had to repeat 4th grade twice so far. “Where’s my lunch money?”

“I don’t have any,” Steve mumbled.

“Huh? I didn’t hear that. Show some respect, Rogers.”

“I said I don’t have any money.” Steve lifted his head and looked into Brock’s eyes.

“Well that’s too bad. You know whatcha get for that, right?”

Steve closed his eyes as Brock lifted his fist, but the punch never came. He heard a surprised ‘Huh?’ which made him open his eyes.

“Leave.” Bucky Barnes was standing right in front of him. He was facing Brock, so Steve couldn’t see his face, but he saw something on Brock’s that he thought was never possible: fear.

“Let’s go.” Brock turned around and left with his loyal followers.

Bucky turned around, looking at Steve. His shell seemed to crack a bit: Steve saw worry. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fi-fine.” Steve let out a shaky breath. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Bucky walked away, but turned back after a few steps. “Say, you have something against running away?”

“If you run away, the problems or fear will still be there. It’s easier to face them.” Bucky nodded. “Besides, it’s quite hard to run when you can’t really breathe.” He pulled out his inhaler out of his pocket and showed it to Bucky.

Bucky smiled and Steve somehow knew that was his first smile in a very long time. “Come on, Rogers, let’s go home.”

And that’s how Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes became friends.

 

It wasn’t until 9th grade until Bucky told Steve his secret. Steve knew about Mr. Barnes’s alcoholism, but he’d never imagined there was more. Bucky was an excellent liar, but still, Steve couldn’t imagine how he could hide something this big. He told Steve about his parents, about his dad’s drinking and abuse towards him and his mother’s neglect. He showed Steve bruises, scars, wounds and remnants of various breaks. Steve didn’t know what to say, but he also knew that there was no need. Bucky knew that Steve would always be by his side and he would never do anything like that. Bucky also knew that if had to, Steve would fight his dad. He even came up with a crazy idea: Bucky should move in with them. He knew his ma would do anything to make Steve happy, because even though they didn’t have much to share, they shared every last thing with Bucky.

And that’s how Bucky started spending more time at Steve’s than at home.

 

At the age of 22, after spending almost 4 years of working, they move into a one bedroom apartment. Steve’s going to college and Bucky is continuing to work. School life is not for him, everyone knows that.

Their life couldn’t be more perfect. Growing up together, especially as two teenagers meant that they would know everything about each other. They had no secrets, talked about anything and everything. Even shared Steve’s single bed which was, undoubtedly, kind of uncomfortable. Bucky also made sure Steve got better. Even though he hated learning, he cared for Steve more than anything. So he spent long weeks looking up information on how to strengthen Steve’s immune system. Eventually, he came up with an exercise program. They spent long months working on it, but everything turned out to be great. Steve is now taller, healthier, and not as skinny. Bucky looked at his masterpiece like he was Michelangelo’s David. He was proud of his work.

It was no question they would move in together after high school. Their love runs deeper than friendship, but Steve knows it’s nothing like brotherhood. After all, would you feel warm and happy when you see your brother? Would your heart flutter? But it isn’t romantic love either. They’ve never done or implicated anything. But Steve feels something for Bucky that cannot be explained with plain, old mundane words. These thoughts are going through his head on a daily basis.

“Hey, Steve?” Bucky shouts from the bedroom. Steve is in the kitchen, rearranging the mugs in the cupboard.

“Yeah?” He goes to the bedroom.

“Come here!” Steve crosses the room, lying down next to Bucky on the double bed. Sure, it’s odd, two grown up males sleeping next to each other (sometimes even cuddling), but their excuse is that this is the maximum they can afford. Besides, Steve couldn’t imagine falling asleep without Bucky next to him. “What do you think?”

Bucky turns the laptop towards Steve. “It’s a bicycle.” Steve states the obvious.

“Well, duh.” Bucky closes the lid, then sits up, facing Steve cross legged. “Your birthday is coming up, and I thought I’d surprise you. I mean, it’s easier than walking to class and there’s no point getting the bus.”

“Wow, Buck, you don’t have to...” Steve’s looking into Bucky’s eyes.

“I mean, you could get groceries on your way back and it would be easier…”

“So you have an ulterior motive.”

“Of course!” Bucky laughs, only stopping when Steve hits him with a pillow. “You did not!”

“I did!” Steve yells, jumping up from the bed. “Come on!”

Steve holds one of the pillows, ready to attack. Bucky stands up too. “Okay, how about this? I win, you make dinner and the other way round.”

“To five hits?”

“Yeah.”

“Be prepared to cook then, Barnes!”

Steve runs towards Bucky, swinging the pillow towards him. Bucky easily dodges it, launching a counterattack. The pillow hits Steve in the head and Bucky yells “One!” The next hit is on Steve’s back, but he manages to escape before Bucky could hit him in the head again. In return, Steve hits Bucky on the upper arm.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Steve yells, and Bucky stops mid-air. “Does the one before counts?”

“Not a fucking chance, it’s still 2-1 for me.” He hits Steve in the face. “Hah! Make the 3-1!”

Steve tries to hit Bucky again, but Bucky is faster; he hits Steve on the chest twice in a row and as a result, Steve falls into the bed, but he brings Bucky down with himself. The old bedframe creaks, but stays intact.

Bucky is on Steve’s chest, but he pushes himself up on his elbows. They both know this is definitely not something friends would do, but neither of them moves.

“What do you wanna have for dinner?” Steve’s voice is low, almost a whisper.

“Whatever’s good, surprise me.” Bucky licks his lower lip and Steve hold his breath. “We could even get pizza as a moving in gift to ourselves.”

“Sounds good.” Steve notices how fake his voice sounds. He knows he can’t say anything else, because a), he doesn’t know what and b) he’d rather be using his mouth to kiss Bucky. It’s been a while since Steve’s had _those_ kind of feelings for Bucky. Or maybe it’s always been there, he just tried his best to supress his feelings. And at this point, he’s pretty sure Bucky knows about them too. “Uhm…”

“Yeah?” Bucky’s voice is hopeful or maybe that’s what Steve wants to hear.

Steve lifts his hand, he wants to push Bucky away, but ends up doing something completely different. “Your hair’s getting long.” He puts a stray strand of hair behind Bucky’s ear. Steve has no shame admitting that Bucky with a bun is so damn sexy.

“I know. I thought you liked it.”

“I’m not complaining.”

“Good, cause it’s not going anywhere.”

Bucky smiles and Steve’s sure this is the moment they’ve been waiting for, this is the moment they’re going to kiss, but Bucky’s stomach grumbles.

“Food?” Steve asks.

“Food.” Bucky stands up, leaving Steve behind with a cold and empty feeling. “How about you order the food and I’ll do the dishes?”

“Okay.” Steve picks up the phone as he watches Bucky leave the room.  He calls their favourite pizza place and orders their usual: jalapeno, mushrooms and ham for Bucky and ham and pineapple with extra cheese for Steve. The guy says that it’s going to be delivered in an hour which gives enough time for Steve to be awkward around Bucky. He’s never been awkward around him, so it’s a good time to start. “Buck?” he shouts to his friend in the kitchen. “Pizzas are ordered, I’m going to have a shower!” He isn’t sure Bucky can hear him, but he doesn’t care. He needs to be alone for a while.

He closes the door of the tiny bathroom behind himself. It’s so humid in there he can’t breathe. Or maybe it’s his feelings that are suffocating him. He opens the window a bit and sits down on the edge of the bath. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” Steve thinks.  It could ruin everything. No, it _would_ ruin everything. They have a pretty good system. Sure, two grown-ups who are not in a relationship sleeping in the same bed are not your typical scenario. But it’s all Steve knows. Bucky is his everything. Romantic, platonic or brotherly, love is love. He loves Bucky, he truly does. So what changed? They’ve always been like that, not brothers, not boyfriends, not even friends. Something else. But he can’t explain it.

With a sigh, he stands up, and steps out of his clothes. He runs the water and waits for a few seconds before stepping in. It’s summer now, he’s already sweating so there’s no need for hot water. He closes his eyes as the lukewarm water wets his hair, but it’s no help: all he sees is Bucky. He sees, _feels_ , Bucky on top of him, his weight pinning Steve to the bed. He sees Bucky licking his lips, slightly parting them, waiting, and waiting for something. He can smell Bucky as he’s curled up next to him. Steven can hear Bucky breathing when he wakes up during the night and watches him. Before he realises, he’s half hard just by thinking about Bucky.

He knows he would be too ashamed to face Bucky if he jerked off thinking about him. But he’s also aware of the fact that he’d have a near-death experience if he didn’t. And besides, it’s not like this is the first time he jerks off thinking about him. But this is definitely the first after realising that his love might run deeper. For Steve, it’s quite obvious what to do next.

He drags his fingers across his lower abdomen, lingering at the top of his pubic hair. He thinks about Bucky when he takes off his shirt to get into bed, his abs showing. Steve’s dick twitches at the thought of Bucky getting undressed _for_ Steve. He brushes a few fingers against the tip of it, then wraps his fist around himself. His breathing speeds up as he starts gently stroking. It’s almost lazy at the beginning, just a playful thing, but then he imagines Bucky next him, body wet, just the sexiest thing ever. He imagines it’s Bucky’s fist on him. A part of Steve, a little part, hopes that one day that will be the case. He starts stroking himself with this hopefulness, now imagining as Bucky kisses him, while his hands are still on Steve.

He comes in his hand, sighing as his orgasm wears off. Opening his eyes, he sees nothing just the empty space next to him. He quickly washes himself, the last thing he wants is for Bucky to get suspicious.

“Hey, Steve?” He hears Bucky’s voice through the door. “You know you’re paying right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec.” Steve tries to answer as calmly as possible, but he knows he failed.

Steve turns off the water, and reaches for his towel. He dries himself, then wrapping it around his waist goes to the bedroom, only to find Bucky sitting on the bed. Steve hesitates for a second, then goes to his underwear drawer and gets a pair of boxers. He heads back to the bathroom hoping that Bucky doesn’t notice it. Of course he does.

“What?” Bucky asks. “Why are you going back?” Steve just ignores him closing the door behind him. “IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DICK!” Bucky shouts and Steve can’t help but laugh a bit. Steve gets into his boxers then looks into mirror convincing himself that he doesn’t look like someone who just got off by imagining their long-time friend. He leaves the bathroom; Bucky is still on the bed, but now smirking. “You’re all set, Princess Steve?”

“Fuck off, Barnes,” Steve growls.

Bucky’s about to reply, when there’s a knock. “Oh, food!”

“Can you pay? My wallet is on the kitchen table.”

“Sure thing.”

As Bucky leaves, Steve lets out yet another sigh. It went well, but he knows he can’t fool himself forever. Tonight, however, he can manage. It’s just pizza and Netflix.

They spend the night binge watching horror films, and by 1 am, Steve’s so sleepy he can barely see. He hears Bucky talking, but he can’t comprehend it.

“Mmdidyasay?” Steve murmurs, opening his eyes and looking into Bucky’s.

“It’s bedtime, Stevie.”

“Mm.” He fixes the pillow beneath his head. “Good night, Buck. I love you,” he says, but he’s already falling asleep.

He may or may not feel lips on his own, but doesn’t know if it’s a dream or reality.

 

The next few months pass by without any incident. Steve and Bucky live their lives: they wake up cuddling, eat breakfast together, Steve goes to class, Bucky goes to work, they come home, eat together then watch something or play games, go to bed and fall asleep only to wake up cuddling again.

As the weather turns colder and wetter, Steve spends more time studying. He hates leaving Bucky alone, but Steve can’t deny that Bucky is loud. And he can’t study when Bucky’s around. So he goes to the library more frequently. That’s how he meets Peggy Carter and Luke Wilcox. They get Steve to join societies, namely art society and, upon finding out that Steve’s bi, the LGBT+ society. Steve knows that this way he’d spend more time away from home, but he wants to find connections he can use in his future life.

After joining and spending time with Peggy and Luke, he somehow gets close with Luke who eventually asks Steve out. Steve says yes. He needs all the distraction he can get to get rid of the feelings he has for Bucky.

Steve and Luke start dating. Steve wants to introduce Luke to Bucky but doesn’t know how. After all, it’s a sensitive topic; Bucky doesn’t know Steve bisexual and this could change their whole domestic life. Steve makes a promise to Luke and to himself: he comes out to Bucky first, then Luke can meet him.

“Hey, um, Buck?” Steve says on a rainy Friday evening. Steve is sitting on the couch, while Bucky is sitting on the floor, playing Halo 2. He could be a normal college student and be social, but instead he just stays at home. But tonight is the night. He is going to tell Bucky about Luke.

“Yeah?” Bucky pauses the game and turns around.

“Uh, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Yeah?” Bucky asks again, and Steve heart breaks when he hears the hopefulness in his voice.

“Promise me it won’t change anything. Promise that we’re gonna be good. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Stevie, you know I never could.” Bucky sits on the couch, facing Steve.

“Okay.” Steve takes a deep breath and looks to the floor. “I…” There are millions of words running through Steve’s head, none of which seem appropriate. Most of the thoughts revolve around the simple sentence of ‘I’m so desperately in love with you, Bucky Barnes.’ But Steve knows he can’t say that. “I met someone. A guy. I… I still like girls, but now this guy is just… It’s seems to be working out.” Steve looks up.

“Oh.” Bucky lowers his shoulders. “What’s his name?”

“Luke. And I really want you two to meet, because you’re my family, Buck, and no one knows me more than you.”

“Yeah, it’d be lovely.” Bucky tries to smile, but Steve sees how fake it is.

“I don’t want it to change anything between us. Promise me it won’t.”

“Don’t worry, Rogers.” Bucky picks up the controller. “Everything’s good.”

Steve can only hope that Bucky tells the truth.

 

At exactly 7 the next evening, there’s a knock. Steve ignores Bucky’s ‘At least he’s punctual.’ comment as he opens the door.

“Hey,” Luke says, leaning in to kiss Steve, but Steve turns his head the last minute.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, blushing. “Come in.”

“Thanks. I brought beer and stuff for dinner.”

“He’s a keeper, Steve!” Bucky says, appearing in front of them. “Hi, name’s Bucky.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you. So glad to finally meet you.”

“Likewise.” Bucky smiles but it’s so fake that Steve dies a little bit on the inside. “Why don’t you let me take the beer while you do what you do?”

“Thanks!” Bucky grabs the box but instead of taking it to the kitchen, he immediately goes to the living room. “So… Nice flat.”

“Yeah, it’s small, but it’s all we can afford.”

“You’re welcome to hang out at mine any time you want.” Luke puts the bags of ingredients down on the chair next to the door and hugs Steve. Luke’s a lot shorter than Steve, so he has to tiptoe. Steve buries his nose in Luke’s short, mousy brown hair.

“You smell good.”

“Mm. I used your favourite shampoo.”

“Just for me?” Steve says, chuckling a bit.

“Just for you.”

“Sorry…” Bucky says as he tries to get past the two of them. Steve lets go of Luke. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” His voice is surprisingly quiet then after getting his coat, he leaves.

“Did I do something?” Luke asks.

“No, it’s Bucky, he’ll come around.” Or at least Steve pretends to believe. “So wanna have a tour?”

“Sure.” And Steve shows him their tiny apartment. There’s not much to show, so about 30 seconds later the tour concludes in the bedroom. “Wait, where does Bucky sleep?”

Steve can feel the blood run from his face. He might have forgot to mention this teeny detail to Luke. “The thing is, we’re both beyond broke, despite working for 4 years before college. Most of the money goes to my school because Bucky didn’t want me to get student loans, so even his money goes to finance my education. So this is the only bedroom.”

“What?”

“I’ve been living with Bucky for almost 10 years, we’ve been sleeping together for the most of it.”

“You what?” Luke asks again, stepping away from Steve.

“No! No, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just we share the same bed.”

“Sure…” Luke scoffs. Steve’s frozen, he’s unable to move. “You know what? I don’t wanna be the third person or the homewrecker. Bye, Steve.”

As Luke is leaving, Steve wants to say something, but he knows there’s no point. He fucked up all the good things in his life.

“Shit.” Steve says quietly. “SHIT!” This time he yells.

He drove away Luke. More importantly, he drove away Bucky. _His_ _Bucky._ How could he be so stupid? How could he replace Bucky with Luke? Luke is a nice guy, kind and amazing, but he’s already found his soulmate, and that’s Bucky.

He tries calling Luke to apologise but nothing. So he sends a text.

 

**From Steve to Luke @7:12pm**

_Im sorry. Its nothing like that. Pls come back so we can talk about it_

He doubts there’ll be any replies, at least not right away. He then calls Bucky. Bucky picks up the phone, but there’s loud music and the line disconnects 5 seconds later.

He texts him too.

 

**From Steve to Bucky @7:14pm**

_Bucky come home please. Im worried about you._

To his surprise, he gets a reply from him.

 

**From Bucky to Steve @7:15pm**

_I thought id leave you alone w/ your _boyfriend__

**From Steve to Bucky @7:15pm**

_I dont think hes my bfriend anymore_

**From Bucky to Steve @7:17pm**

_Whatever._

After this, Steve sends him various texts asking him to come home. Begging. Pleading. But nothing. There’s no reply anymore.

 

He spends the next four hours calling either Luke or Bucky, but neither of them picks up or answers his texts. He filled both of their voicemails, but everyone just ignores him. He wants to call his ma to ask if Bucky’s there, but he knows she’s long asleep. To pass time, and to take his mind off of things, he cleans the flat, or more precisely he pretends to clean it while checking his phone every two minutes.

At 11:42pm, he’s in bed, going through all the photos with Bucky. He knows he made his biggest mistake. He had everything. He had Bucky, he had a flat with Bucky, he had his whole life ahead of him. With Bucky. Yet he wanted more. Or something different. He had hoped, Luke would be the person that made him forget all about Bucky. Steve wasn’t supposed to be in love with his best friend. But was he? In love? Steve knows the answer, but he’s so terrified of the consequences he cannot admit it.

And what about Bucky? His Bucky, the guy he knew all his life. It’s one thing if Steve kicks his own life in the balls and turns it upside down. But could he do the same with Bucky’s? He loves Bucky more than anything, he can’t risk losing him because as he sees it, one of the two possible scenarios would result in losing Bucky. 

Steve hears someone unlocking the door. Or more precisely, someone trying to unlock the door. He gets up and rushes there. Upon opening it, he sees a bloodied, bruised, sweaty and very drunk Bucky.

“What the fuck?”

“I hate you, I hope you know that…” Bucky smiles then hiccups. “Why’s the room spinning?” He looks around with a confused look.

“What happened Bucky?

“Stevie’s in love.” He chuckles. “Stevie’s in looooove but not with Bucky. And Bucky’s sad because Bucky loves Stevie very much.” He giggles.

Steve’s not sure he heard it right, but he can’t deal with the love confession right now. He has to clean Bucky up first. “Come on, let’s sit down.”

“And you know…” Bucky continues as Steve drags (or rather carries) him to the kitchen. “Bucky thought Stevie loves him too. But Stevie fell in love with someone and Bucky thought he can take it.” He hiccups then giggles to himself again. Steve sets him down on one of the kitchen chairs, wets a clean tablecloth and begins to clean Bucky’s face. “But Bucky is so stupidly in love with Stevie that he couldn’t see Stevie and what’s his face together.” He turns serious for a second, then looks at Steve. “Do we have more vodka? I wanna drink more vodka.”

“I’ll be right back.” Steve gets a glass and fills it up with water, ignoring Bucky’s confession of love. “There you go.” He hands him the glass then takes Bucky’s coat off.

“This is not vodka,” Bucky exclaims with a pouting face.

“What happened?” Steve asks quietly. “Why are you bloody all over?”

“I don’t know… I think I met my dad in one of the bars. My dad is not a nice person.” He looks up, switching to his puppy face.

“Did he do this?”

“I don’t remember.” He hisses as Steve tries to wipe the blood off of his cheek. “I think he said _“I can’t believe my son’s a faggot.”_. But I don’t remember.”

“It’s okay.  You need to shower, you’re all covered in blood.”

“But I don’t want to…” Bucky pouts again. Steve fills up the glass again and orders him to drink it. “You coming too?” He asks as Steve ushers him towards the bathroom.

“I’ll help you get in, but I’m sure you can handle the rest.”

“But I want you to come.” Bucky looks at Steve with big eyes and Steve can’t say no. He could never say no.

“Let’s get you undressed first.” Steve takes Bucky’s hoodie and T-shirt off, only to reveal bruised up ribcage. He’s pretty sure Bucky fractured a few of them.

“Please come in with me…” Bucky begs.

“Okay.”

Bucky immediately takes off his jeans and underwear and in the process, he almost faceplants the wall. Steve catches him while Bucky just giggles. He then guides him in the tub and runs the water. Bucky turns towards him, completely naked and Steve’s heart flutters. He has seen Bucky naked, of course he has. But it’s something different, it’s like this is mature stuff now. He’s beautiful: perfectly carved muscles, slight tan, and hair messy and covering half of his face. Steve bits his lower lip as his gaze wanders south.

“Coooome…” Bucky whines. Steve takes off his clothes, everything, except his boxers. He’s about the step in the bath, when Bucky stops him. “Those too,” he says, giggling.

Steve quietly nods, pushes them off then steps in next to Bucky. He moves Bucky directly under the water (which he avoided so far). He gets the soap and stars gently washing Bucky, who as a responds just “mms.”

“Let me know if it hurts,” Steve says quietly, trying his best not to disturb and calm bubble they’re in.

“I meant what I said, Steve.” Bucky sounds more sober, the shower seems to be working. “I love you.”

“I know.” Steve wants to have hope more than anything but he can’t. Not yet, not when Bucky’s drunk and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

“No, you don’t,” Bucky says. “I love you more than anything, but my love wasn’t enough for you.”

“We’ll talk about this when you’re sober.”

Bucky nods, then gives Steve a look. To him, it looks like Bucky just had the best idea ever. “Can I kiss you?” he asks, smiling like a happy five-year-old.

“What?”

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since like 7th grade. Can I?”

“Bucky, I’m not sure…” Steve starts, but Bucky stops him.

“Yeah, no, I get it, you don’t like me,” Bucky says with an overly dramatic sigh.

“I do. I really do. But you’re drunk and I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

Bucky’s grinning again. He then puts his left hand on his right side, showing a confused face that something’s not right, but can’t figure out what. “I, James Buchanan Barnes, fully consent to kissing Steven Grant Rogers. Now, will you fucking kiss me finally?”

There it is. There’s his answer. He wants Bucky, and Bucky wants him. But he knows it wouldn’t be morally right to kiss him now. Bucky might regret it later. It almost kills Steve to turn him down. “No. Not here, not like this. Sober up, we’ll talk and if you still want me to, yes.”

Bucky nods. “Wouldya hate me if I kissed you?”

“Told you, Buck, okay?” Steve pauses for a second, leaving his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. He looks into his eyes and sees mischief.

Before he knows, Bucky’s mouth is on his own, finally, _finally_ kissing him. Steve can taste alcohol on Bucky’s tongue as he opens his mouth for him. The kiss only lasts a few (very short) seconds, Bucky’s too busy giggling. “You taste good.”

The kiss left Steve breathless and in a very happy, yet confused haze. He wants to do nothing, but kiss Bucky until the world ends, however he still knows that Bucky’s drunk and he might not want to do this when he’s sober. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

“Mm…” Bucky looks down then up to Steve, as if he’s only realising that Steve’s there and _naked._ “Y’know I’ve always wanted to touch you…” He bites his lips.

Steve has to fight back a groan as he takes both of Bucky’s wrists in one hand and holds them tightly. “We’ll talk tomorrow,” he repeats, hoping that this time Bucky will understand.

And he does, just nodding. Bucky turns off the water, grabs two towels and gives one to Steve. “And if I want you to, will you do other… things to me?

Steve tries his best to hide a moan, but he fails. Bucky, in response, just smirks.

 

Drunk Bucky is like a kid when it comes to bedtime. He’s too hyperactive, dancing and singing. To Steve’s relief, at least he’s wearing boxers.

“Buck, come on.” Steve hands him another glass of water. He tries to do his best, but he knows that Bucky will have one hell of a hangover. “Let’s go to sleep.”

“Will you…” Bucky puts down the glass and jumps on the bed,”… cuddle me?!”

“If I do, will you fucking go to bed?”

“Mmm…” He jumps up and down for a few seconds. “Maybe.”

“You’ll be the end of me. Bed. Now.”

Bucky mumbles something Steve can’t exactly catch, but he does get into bed. Steve climbs in next to him and Bucky immediately curls up, putting his head on Steve’s chest.

“Heartbeat’s good,” he says and the next second he’s already asleep.

Steve, however, is wide awake. He has too much to think about: Bucky’s confession, his breakup with Luke (although it can’t really be described as a relationship, as it only lasted two weeks and they only had three dates), what Bucky wants. It doesn’t help that every other thought that goes through his head is about Bucky. About how much he loves him and how much he wants this to work. But what if he blows it? What if things don’t work out? He’d lose him, even as a friend. Would he rather sacrifice his love for Bucky? He’s in love with him, there’s no doubt about that. He’s been in love with him longer than he can remember. He just didn’t think much of it because, let’s admit, Bucky was his partner. Now they would just be able to kiss and have sex. Nothing else would change. They go on dates now anyway, just don’t exactly call them “dates”.

Luke still hasn’t replied. He knows he has to make it up to him somehow. Or at least apologise. A thousand times. Luke was right to leave, Steve can’t deny that. He didn’t tell him about the bed or his relationship with Bucky. But he thought it was non-existent, so how he could’ve? However, Luke can wait until they talked things through with Bucky.

 Steve hates how much he hurt Bucky. He was selfish when he started seeing Luke. He didn’t think that it would affect Bucky. It clearly did. Steve feels like he’s been doing nothing, but thinking about himself. He has Bucky. He’s always had Bucky. Sweet, kind, Bucky. _His Bucky._

 

Steve wakes up too early, to the sounds of Bucky groaning. He’s not next to him, but in the bathroom puking. Steve goes to him, and gently gathers his (now too long) hair.

“Morning,” Steve says when Bucky leans back, flushing the toilet.

“God… Do you have to be so fucking loud? I hate you.”

Steve hands him a glass of water, which Bucky gratefully accepts. “How are you?”

“What do you fucking think?” Bucky looks at Steve, his eyes filled with regret. “Did I say anything stupid?”

Steve hesitates for a second, not knowing if he should tell him about his admission. Then he decides it’s for the best if he does. “Yeah, um… You confessed that you’re in love with me…” he says, blushing.

“I said stupid, not true… Urgh.” Bucky puts the glass down and leans over the toilet, but nothing happens. “Do you know the feeling when you’re done being sick but you still feel like you’re gonna vomit all over the apartment?” He drinks a bit, then hands the glass back to Steve for a refill.

“Please don’t, I don’t feel like cleaning.”

“Shut up, Rogers, and help me get up.”

Steve holds Bucky’s upper arm and helps him to his feet. Bucky’s face is swollen and bruised; it kills Steve to see Bucky like that and that he was the reason behind it. “So are you? In love with me.” Steve blushes so hard that he has to turn away.

“I thought I made myself pretty clear.” Bucky walks to the living room, holding his stomach. “And can we talk about this when I’m not about to puke my brains out?” He sits down and pats the couch next to him. “Come ‘ere, I wanna sleep in your lap.”

Steve quietly sits down, his head too preoccupied with the fact that Bucky Barnes is in love with him. He’s terrified, worried and a bit angry, because they wasted all those years being together, but not really. But more importantly, he feels joy because the boy he met in 4th grade, the boy who was dismissive and honestly a bit rude, the boy who saved him from Brock fucking Rumlow, the boy who stood by his side, the boy who turned into a man in front of his eyes was in love with him. And Steve was in love with. What’s so wrong about two guys being in love? Love is beautiful. Love is something wonderful no matter the gender. And Bucky got beaten up just because he loves someone who is not a woman. This infuriates Steve, more than anything.

“I guess the question now is if you love me too,” Bucky says after a while.

“Of course.” Steve smiles, pushing his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

“As a friend, or…”

“Shut up, silly, of course I love you. I’m so desperately in love with you it makes my heart ache when I think about you leaving me.”

“You’re so full of shit.” Bucky laughs but then he clutches his stomach. “Laughing’s not good.”

“Sorry. But, yes, Buck, I love you.”

“Good.” Bucky after this closes his eyes, and stays quiet for a few seconds. “SHIT!” he yells, looking into Steve’s eyes.

“What is it?” Steve asks, a bit startled.

“I’ve never got you that stupid bike.”

Steve laughs and runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair. Steve assures him that it’s fine and keeps combing Bucky’s hair. He relaxes into the touch, melting in Steve’s lap and soon falls asleep. Steve sits still, watching him, sometimes caressing a part of his face. He’s utterly lucky. Without doubt, he hit the jackpot: he goes to college, he studies what he wants, he has an awesome flat with the person of his dreams. Yeah, it’s cheesy, he’s always been cheesy, but it’s true. He loves Bucky, and Bucky loves him too. So what’s so complicated about that? They are soulmates. Yes, yes, still stupid and corny, but everything has always seemed so easy when the two of them were together. And now, the thing Steve is looking forward the most, after all those years of longing, is finally being able to kiss Bucky.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Sorry, I suck at summaries.


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